Selingkuh - A Chronology

19 July 2016, 0030

U came to my house, saying you wanted to eat jemput jemput. I cooked for you.

I thought it was a harmless night, where I cook and you stand there watching. But I was wrong, there's something more.

When we watched tv together, I thought I was sitting on an object, until I realized it was your hand, at my hip.

I was shocked, but I keep my cool. Because honestly, I kinda like it too.

You started leaning heavily on me. Your head was already on my shoulder. 

You told me that my body felt so soft, like a pillow.

And then your hand, it moves from my hip to my waist.

This time, I won't let you put it there for long. It's started to get weird, honestly.

You kept asking if I were sleepy, which I told you I'm not, cause I really don't. 

You maintained your hand and your head to me until you popped the question,

"Kau pernah suka aku tak?"

I was shocked. That's never a question I would ever expect coming from your mouth.

"Why? Kau? Pernah suka aku?"

"I asked you first"

"Answer me first. Kau pernah suka aku?"

"Pernah lah, dulu. Sikit"

"Sekarang? Suka lagi?"

"Ada lah, sikit"

"Sikit je?"

"Aku kan dah ada girlfriend"

"Kau sayang aku tak?"

"Sayang"

"Kau sayang girlfriend kau tak?"

"Sayang"

"Amboi, boleh sayang banyak orang?!"

You laughed, and said

"I can love 10 people at a time"

And then you continued, saying

"Aku nampak masa depan aku dengan dia, aku kan tak handsome"

In my head, I was thinking, are you staying with the girl just because you thought that's the best you can get? 

And then after a moment of silence, you said to me,

"Lepas aku kahwin nanti, kau jaga diri baik baik okay?" While your hand and fingers caressed my shoulder.

This time, I can't help it. I leaned on your shoulder, full of emotions

"Kenapa kita jumpa lambat sangat"

I can feel your breath in my ear. I can feel your face against my cheek. I can still remember you moving your face against mine. 

"Shhh..shh"

And we just sit there in silence, in each other's warmth. 

For the first time in forever, I wanted to stop time. I want you always to be by my side.

I know you do, too.

It's almost 4 am, and you went back to your house. You asked for a hug, a last embrace, but I denied you.

I think, no. You're not mine anyways.

The moment after you left, I cried my heart out. I asked God, why is it so hard for me to be happy? Is happiness not destined for me? 

The next day, I can't get out from bed. I can only cry.

It went on for the whole week.

I suffered.

Supertitious

Usually, when I wrote about someone I like in here,

They won't happen.

That's why I wrote about you here.

I know we would never be a reality. 

Ever. 

Keliru

Aneh sekali.

Walaupun seringkali aku bilang,

yang aku tidak mahu kamu sama dia berakhir bersama,

- berdua

Tetapi aku juga sering bertanya pada diriku

Adakah aku mahu kamu? 

Mungkin hanya di ranjang --

Bukan untuk melansung hidup bersama

Jahat

Benar.

Seperti katanya Cinta, 

"Apa yang kamu buat pada aku itu - JAHAT"

Tapi, apa yang aku doa buatmu juga, bukan titipan doa yang terbaik.

Semoga engkau, sama dia - putus di tengah jalan. 

Aku pula akan menanti di sini

Mendepa tangan, berlapang dada

Bersedia merangkul kamu

Tatkala saat itu tiba nanti

Terakhir Kalinya,

Sayang,

aku titip doa tiap hari
moga kau temui
teman yang mampu kau cintai
kiranya bukan aku
yang kau pingin
menjadi teman libur dan tangis

I miss you,
I miss you so much that my heart hurts.
I miss you that I always wanted to cry by just thinking of you

Ya Allah, bantu aku
Rindu ini terlalu derita rasanya

Misteri

Aku fikir,
Debar, gelisah
Dan pedih ini

Sebenarnya
Rindu hati
Padamu

Lara Pergi

Aku faham sekarang.
Kali ini, aku benar-benar mengalah.

Selamat tinggal pujaan hati,
semoga kau ketemu orang yang kau mampu sayangi.
dan semoga dia menyayangi kamu kembali.

Aku disini akan membawa hati
Semoga Tuhan bantu menyembuhkan

New

Selamat Tahun Baru sayang,
aku berharap seandainya kita tidak ditakdirkan bersama,
aku akan berupaya meneruskan kehidupan
dengan gembira
seperti gembiranya aku tatkala kau ada bersama

Tapi jika sebaliknya,
aku berharap kau cepat membuka langkah

Hati ini terlalu rindu,

Selamat Tahun Baru, sayang.

Tak Bisa

During our last karaoke session, and you sang a song from Slank, entitled "Ku Tak Bisa". And there's the lyrics,

Ku tak bisa,

Jauh...jauh...darimu...

Please know that, I can't stand being far away from you. This longing is killing me.

Oh God, I miss him.

Longing

It's all started with a simple question on how to measure a tank, then it continued to a teasing in lunch table. You called me fat, how rude..but that's the way you are, and I'm not offended.

Then you start asking me out. To karaoke. Out of nowhere, and we're not even that close pun. I like your voice. I like how you teasingly sang the songs to me. I like the way you blow your smoke up to the air.

I like how you came searching me to help you with your work. I like how actually it's never a work.

I like how clean your car is. I like how you look nervous driving when I'm on your side. I like how you looked sad when the last night we went out together. I like how you smile shyly when I said 'hi' to you.


I like you too much. Too much it hurts.
You, I miss you.
Terribly.

Tak Tertahan

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss you terribly. I want to be back in Kerteh. Back in my desk, where I could sit near you, sniffing your perfume mixed with you blue Winston ciggs smells. I miss you so much. I know you don't feel the same, but I miss you. Please text me, please talk to me, please just please show some signs.

God, please help me. I'm hopeless now, I'm helpless. Please help me, oh God. Ease my heart. I just miss him so much it hurts. I want to cry now. Please God, please help ease my heart.

I Really Like You

Well, you haven't see the gifts yet. But i do hope that you'd love it. It's sad to think that I can't see your handsome face ever again. And prolly, I'll stop writing about you here. Or prolly stop writing altogether until I've got some other muse(s) to write.

Take care there, you. Hopefully, you'll miss me. And don't ever forget about me.

Do keep in touch, please.

"Keep In Touch"

Is it a promise? I hope so.

121212

It was a perfect date, and it was our last date. I was unhappy and you looked the same too. I don't have the hearts to leave you. But I do cherish our every moments together. I really am hoping that you won't forget me.


I love you. If only you knew.

Date, Date!

"Bila Bella nak belanja ni?"
"Bila abang free?"
"Hari hari pun free" and I think I saw a naughty smile.
"Esok, boleh?"
"Boleh" you answered shyly.
"Okay"

And I swear to God that I'm so happy I can't do my work cause I can't focus! Oh, youuu I want you so very badly!

Thank you Allah, for listening to my prayer. Alhamdulillah :)

Dialogues

"Mana kerja saya?"
"Saya dah bagi kat abang, kan?"
"Oh, dah bagi eh?"


And there's the smile. Oh.
Sorry, I'm obsessed with this man.

Wait

You came yesterday. But I was more surprised with what you have to say,

"Bella kata nak belanja, tapi takdak pon,"

I don't know that you really mean it. I don't know that you've waited. I did wait for your text!


But I'm happy nevertheless, to know that you're looking forward to have a date with me.
Hihi.

Beg

Please ya Allah, I want him to be the one for me. Amin, amin, amin.

Hm

My heart aches for him. My heart wants him so very badly. I want him so very badly. I just want to know whether he feels the same. I want to know whether he wants me too, the way I really want him.

Oh God, I really like him. Please let him be mine. Please, ya Allah.